BrothelLife

A little girl and little boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true and runs home crying. A while later she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her panties and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the Ladies how to breathe properly and how the men should offer support. "Ladies, exercise is good for You" the Instructor said,      "and Gentlemen wouldn't it be great of You to take the time to go walking with Your Partner?". A man in the middle of the group spoke up, "Is it all right if She carries my golf bag while we walk?".

Seen on a Ladies' room wall...

I lost my virginity! But, that's OK. I still have the box it came in!  :o

Navy jet pilot: This is it! We're flying faster than the speed of sound!

Co-pilot: Say What??

Seven Kinds of Sex

The first kind is called... Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone & you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The second kind of sex is called... Kitchen Sex

This is when you & your partner still have the raging hots for each other & will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The third kind of sex is called... Bedroom Sex

This is when you & your partner have been together for a while & you only have sex in the bedroom.

The fourth  kind of sex is called... Hallway Sex

This is when you & partner have been together a bit too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say, "Screw you!"

The fifth kind of sex is called... Religious

Which means get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon & Nun at night.

The sixth kind of sex is called... Courtroom Sex

This is when you can no longer stand your partner (wife/husband) anymore. He/she takes you to court & screws you in front of everyone.

The seventh kind of sex is called... Social Security Sex

You get a little each night but not enough to enjoy yourself.

If climate change is gonna cause Mass extinction, what are the Catholics gonna do on Sundays?  ???

Mom was giving her 3 year old boy a bath. The tyke was examining his testicles & asked his mom, "Are these my brains?"

Mom replied, "Not yet son, not yet."

;D

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Wh9amMeiRYQ

I just found out what NASCAR stands for... Never Ask Santa Claus About Rudolf!  :o

I was ice fishing and not catching a thing. Old Ole was ten fet away and reeling them in as fast as he could bait his hook.

I asked Ole his secret, he replied “hmmpph yer hmrmph rmmm”.

I asked again, he replied, “hmmpph yer hmrmph rmmm”.

I told him I couldn’t understand. He spit gobs of stuff from his mouth and said, “Keep your worms warm!”

My wife told me I had to stop drinking beer. It seems we just can’t afford it. Then UPS truck came with her new purse and load of makeup. She spent $200!

I asked, "Why do I have to stop spending but you don’t?"

She replied, "Well sweetie, all this stuff is to make me look good for you."

I said, "Honey, that’s what the beer is for."

That's when the fight started... 

Old Ole passed away. Lena goes to the newspaper office to print his obituary.

The clerk asks her, "What do you want it to say?"

"Ole passed away."

The clerk looks up. "What else?"

"Nothing else."

"But Lena, you were married to Ole all those years. Don't you want to say anything else about him?"

"Nope."

The clerk thinks a minute. "You know, Lena, it won't cost you any more if you add a few more words. The first ten words are all one price."

"Ten words, and it won't cost extra?" She asks.

The clerk nods.

Lena thinks hard, then says, "Ole passed away. Boat for sale."

A man and a woman, both married but not to each other, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly, he in the upper bunk and she in the lower. At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold."

"I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed.

"Good," she replied. "Get your own damn blanket!"

After a moment of silence, he farted.

A cowboy is captured by hostile Indians. The chief says to him, "White man have three days to live, do you have any last requests?"

The cowboy replies, "I want to talk to my horse."

They bring the horse and he whispers into its ear. Two hours later the horse comes back with a naked blonde.

The next day the chief says to the cowboy, "White man have two days to live, any requests?"

The cowboy replies, "Yes, I want to talk to my horse again."

And again, he whispers in the horse's ear. Two hours later the horse comes back with a naked redhead.

Following day the chief says to the cowboy, "White man have one day left to live, you can make one more request?"

Once more the cowboy says he wants to talk to his horse. This time he grabs the horse by its mane and yells into its ear... "POSSE! I SAID BRING POSSE!"

You have really nice cheek bones. Do you contour?
Me: no I suck dick...... properly.
XO Vanity

A pregnant woman was brought into an emergency room. She was shouting, "CAN'T, WON'T, SHOULDN'T, WOULDN'T, DIDN'T!"

The ER Doc says, "Get her into the delivery room stat! She's having contractions!"

Two men went duck hunting with their dogs yet were having no success.
"I think I've figured out what We're doing wrong" said the first hunter.
"Oh Yeah, whats that?" asked the other.
"We're not throwing the dogs high enough"

From an episode of  the 'Cheers' SitCom...

Cliff is seated at the bar describing the Buffalo Theory to his buddy, Norm.

I don't think I've ever heard the concept explained any better than this...

"Well you see, Norm, it's like this...

A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the herd is hunted, it's the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.

This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.

In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first.

In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

And that, Norm, is why you always feel smarter after a few beers."

Does the wife still sucks?)? Lol
XO Vanity

;D

Patient: Doctor,Doctor! My family thinks I'm mad!
Doctor: Why is that?
Patient: I like sausages!
Doctor: Theres nothing strange about that - I like sausages too.
Patient: Really? You must come and see my collection - I've got thousands!