Joke of the Day
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firefighter
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Joke of the Day
A little girl and little boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true and runs home crying. A while later she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her panties and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”
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Prospector Bob
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If you get an email with the subject, "Knock, knock," don't click on it. It's a Jehovah's Witness working online... ;D
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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I've always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk, but I never got the chants... :-\
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Prospector Bob
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My friend Cobia & I were enjoying some beers in a bar. I said, "Cobia, see those two old drunks sitting at the other end of the bar? That's gonna be us in 10 years."
Cobia says, "That's a mirror down there, dipshit!" :o
Cobia says, "That's a mirror down there, dipshit!" :o
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Prospector Bob
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What does Santa Claus do in the summer? Mrs. Claus goes down south & Santa empties his sack. :o
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Cobia
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Prospector Bob link wrote: My friend Cobia & I were enjoying some beers in a bar. I said, "Cobia, see those two old drunks sitting at the other end of the bar? That's gonna be us in 10 years."
Cobia says, "That's a mirror down there, dipshit!" :o
;D ;D
If you don't like the way I'm livin then leave this long haired country boy alone.
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Prospector Bob
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We old folks sometimes have troubles with our computers & other electronic devices.
Yesterday I was having problems with my computer so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door. The kid is a computer whiz... his bedroom looks like NASA Mission Control. I asked Georgie if he could get me back online. I don't know what I did but I couldn't see my emails anymore.
The kid clicked a couple of keys & had my email back up almost immediately. My problem was solved in less than a minute. The kid started to leave when I called after him, "What was wrong with my computer?"
He replied, "It was a ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear too dumb, but nonetheless asked, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Georgie grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
I sheepishly muttered, "Nope. It's a new one on me."
"Write it down," he says. "I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: ID10T...
I used to like Georgie, the smart ass little turd.
Yesterday I was having problems with my computer so I called Georgie, the 11 year old next door. The kid is a computer whiz... his bedroom looks like NASA Mission Control. I asked Georgie if he could get me back online. I don't know what I did but I couldn't see my emails anymore.
The kid clicked a couple of keys & had my email back up almost immediately. My problem was solved in less than a minute. The kid started to leave when I called after him, "What was wrong with my computer?"
He replied, "It was a ID ten T error."
I didn't want to appear too dumb, but nonetheless asked, "An ID ten T error? What's that in case I need to fix it again?"
Georgie grinned. "Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before?"
I sheepishly muttered, "Nope. It's a new one on me."
"Write it down," he says. "I think you'll figure it out."
So I wrote it down: ID10T...
I used to like Georgie, the smart ass little turd.
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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Overheard at a seniors coffee klatsch...
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift my coffee cup," said one old man.
"Yeah, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can barely see my cup."
"I couldn't mark my ballot in last election because of my crippling arthritis," said a third man.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," piped up an elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another old man. Everyone at the table weakly nodded in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," said an old woman.
Another old woman says, "Sometimes I forget where I am or where I'm going."
A third old woman says, "My incontinence is so bad. Thank God for depends."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement again.
"Well, count your blessings," one of the elderly women cheerfully said. "Thank God we can all still drive!"
"My arms have gotten so weak I can hardly lift my coffee cup," said one old man.
"Yeah, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad, I can barely see my cup."
"I couldn't mark my ballot in last election because of my crippling arthritis," said a third man.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you," piped up an elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said another old man. Everyone at the table weakly nodded in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me dizzy," said an old woman.
Another old woman says, "Sometimes I forget where I am or where I'm going."
A third old woman says, "My incontinence is so bad. Thank God for depends."
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old," winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement again.
"Well, count your blessings," one of the elderly women cheerfully said. "Thank God we can all still drive!"
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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Beer & drinking! Some observations by well known people...
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Babe Ruth
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Paul Hornung
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!" ~ H.L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no s.i.n.s.* When we commit no s.i.n.s , we go to heaven. So, lets all get drunk and go to heaven." ~ George Bernard Shaw * s.i.n.s was changed to "the other forum." Had to edit the quote.
"Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!" ~ W.C. Fields
"Remember, 'I' before 'E' except in Budweiser." ~ Professor Irwin Corey
"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" ~ Leo Durocher
From the TV sitcom series "Cheers." Cliff Clavin says to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move a fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that get killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
"Sometimes when I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think it is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver." ~ Babe Ruth
"When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading." ~ Paul Hornung
"24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not!" ~ H.L. Mencken
"When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no s.i.n.s.* When we commit no s.i.n.s , we go to heaven. So, lets all get drunk and go to heaven." ~ George Bernard Shaw * s.i.n.s was changed to "the other forum." Had to edit the quote.
"Beer is proof God loves us and wants us to be happy." ~ Benjamin Franklin
"Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza." ~ Dave Barry
"Beer: Helping ugly people have sex since 3000 B.C.!" ~ W.C. Fields
"Remember, 'I' before 'E' except in Budweiser." ~ Professor Irwin Corey
"To some it's a six-pack, to me it's a Support Group. Salvation in a can!" ~ Leo Durocher
From the TV sitcom series "Cheers." Cliff Clavin says to his buddy, Norm Peterson:
"Well, ya see, Norm, it's like this...
A herd of buffalo can only move a fast as the slowest buffalo. And, when the herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back of the herd that get killed first. This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members!
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as we know, kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine! That's why you always feel smarter after a few beers."
Last edited by Prospector Bob on Tue May 12, 2020 9:05 pm, edited 1 time in total.
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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Smith & Wesson...
When my friend goes to the ATM - or anywhere alone - she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She's never had any problems with mashers, muggers, rapists, panhandlers, smart asses, street punks or attorneys.
Smith is the one on the left!
When my friend goes to the ATM - or anywhere alone - she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She's never had any problems with mashers, muggers, rapists, panhandlers, smart asses, street punks or attorneys.
Smith is the one on the left!
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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Sportsman's Double
I met a very attractive older woman not long ago. She appeared to be in her sixties but was still very sexy!
We went out for drinks one night. We were getting along great & having a very stimulating conversation over glasses of red wine. She smiled at me & said, "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?"
"A sportsman's double? What's that?" I replied.
"It's a mother & daughter threesome," she explained.
Suddenly, my mind was racing! I was thinking & imagining, "Oh my God, as sexy as this woman is, her daughter ought to be a ravishing beauty!" I told her, "No, I've not had a sportsman's double, but the idea has me highly fascinated!"
She said with a wink & smile, "Well, my friend, this is your lucky day!" After we finished our wine, she took me by the hand out to her car & we headed toward her home.
We arrived at her place & walked hand-in-hand up her walk-way. She unlocked the door & we went in. My imagination was working overtime in anticipation of what could be a gloriously wonderful evening. Oh lord, by this time, I was totally aroused.
She flipped on a light in the foyer, walked to the foot of the stairs & shouted, "Hey mom, are you still awake?"
I met a very attractive older woman not long ago. She appeared to be in her sixties but was still very sexy!
We went out for drinks one night. We were getting along great & having a very stimulating conversation over glasses of red wine. She smiled at me & said, "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?"
"A sportsman's double? What's that?" I replied.
"It's a mother & daughter threesome," she explained.
Suddenly, my mind was racing! I was thinking & imagining, "Oh my God, as sexy as this woman is, her daughter ought to be a ravishing beauty!" I told her, "No, I've not had a sportsman's double, but the idea has me highly fascinated!"
She said with a wink & smile, "Well, my friend, this is your lucky day!" After we finished our wine, she took me by the hand out to her car & we headed toward her home.
We arrived at her place & walked hand-in-hand up her walk-way. She unlocked the door & we went in. My imagination was working overtime in anticipation of what could be a gloriously wonderful evening. Oh lord, by this time, I was totally aroused.
She flipped on a light in the foyer, walked to the foot of the stairs & shouted, "Hey mom, are you still awake?"
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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AlexaWu
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Wasn't expecting the ending ;DProspector Bob link wrote: Sportsman's Double
I met a very attractive older woman not long ago. She appeared to be in her sixties but was still very sexy!
We went out for drinks one night. We were getting along great & having a very stimulating conversation over glasses of red wine. She smiled at me & said, "Have you ever had a sportsman's double?"
"A sportsman's double? What's that?" I replied.
"It's a mother & daughter threesome," she explained.
Suddenly, my mind was racing! I was thinking & imagining, "Oh my God, as sexy as this woman is, her daughter ought to be a ravishing beauty!" I told her, "No, I've not had a sportsman's double, but the idea has me highly fascinated!"
She said with a wink & smile, "Well, my friend, this is your lucky day!" After we finished our wine, she took me by the hand out to her car & we headed toward her home.
We arrived at her place & walked hand-in-hand up her walk-way. She unlocked the door & we went in. My imagination was working overtime in anticipation of what could be a gloriously wonderful evening. Oh lord, by this time, I was totally aroused.
She flipped on a light in the foyer, walked to the foot of the stairs & shouted, "Hey mom, are you still awake?"
xoxo,
Alexa Wu
Alexa Wu
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AlexaWu
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Handsome and beautiful dogs. They truly are the best companion and will always protect their loved ones.Prospector Bob link wrote: Smith & Wesson...
When my friend goes to the ATM - or anywhere alone - she always takes along her Smith & Wesson. She's never had any problems with mashers, muggers, rapists, panhandlers, smart asses, street punks or attorneys.
Smith is the one on the left!
xoxo,
Alexa Wu
Alexa Wu
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Prospector Bob
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Little Larry jokes...
A new 3rd grade teacher was trying to make use of her psychology classes from college. She started her class one morning by saying, "Everyone here who thinks they're stupid, please stand up."
After about a minute, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Larry, do you think you are stupid?"
Little Larry says, "No, ma'am, I stood up because I hated seeing you stand up there all by yourself!"
Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. He said to his mom, "Why do you put that stuff on your face?"
"To make myself beautiful for your dad," she replied as she began removing the cold cream with a tissue.
Puzzled, Little Larry asks, "What's the matter mom, are you giving up?"
Little Larry's math teacher noticed he wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him & asked, "Larry, what's 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Larry replied quickly, "ABC, NBC, ESPN & the Cartoon Network!"
Little Larry's class was on a field trip to their local police station. In the police station they saw a large bulletin board with photos of wanted criminals tacked up on it. One of Larry's classmates pointed at a criminal's picture & asked, "Is that man really wanted by the police?"
"Yes," said a policeman. "Our detectives are trying very hard to capture him. He's a very bad man."
Little Larry then asked, "Why didn't you keep him in jail when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his dad moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horses' legs & over their rumps & chests. After watching his dad examine the horses, Larry asked, "Why are you doing that on those horses?"
His dad replied, "Because when I want to buy horses, I have to make sure they're healthy & in good shape."
Little Larry got a worried look on his face & said to his father, "Daddy, I think the UPS driver wants to buy mom!"
A new 3rd grade teacher was trying to make use of her psychology classes from college. She started her class one morning by saying, "Everyone here who thinks they're stupid, please stand up."
After about a minute, Little Larry stood up. The teacher said, "Larry, do you think you are stupid?"
Little Larry says, "No, ma'am, I stood up because I hated seeing you stand up there all by yourself!"
Little Larry watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face. He said to his mom, "Why do you put that stuff on your face?"
"To make myself beautiful for your dad," she replied as she began removing the cold cream with a tissue.
Puzzled, Little Larry asks, "What's the matter mom, are you giving up?"
Little Larry's math teacher noticed he wasn't paying attention in class. She called on him & asked, "Larry, what's 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?"
Little Larry replied quickly, "ABC, NBC, ESPN & the Cartoon Network!"
Little Larry's class was on a field trip to their local police station. In the police station they saw a large bulletin board with photos of wanted criminals tacked up on it. One of Larry's classmates pointed at a criminal's picture & asked, "Is that man really wanted by the police?"
"Yes," said a policeman. "Our detectives are trying very hard to capture him. He's a very bad man."
Little Larry then asked, "Why didn't you keep him in jail when you took his picture?"
Little Larry attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his dad moved from horse to horse, running his hands up & down the horses' legs & over their rumps & chests. After watching his dad examine the horses, Larry asked, "Why are you doing that on those horses?"
His dad replied, "Because when I want to buy horses, I have to make sure they're healthy & in good shape."
Little Larry got a worried look on his face & said to his father, "Daddy, I think the UPS driver wants to buy mom!"
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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A father put his 3-year old daughter to bed, told her a bedtime story and then listened to her prayers which she ended by saying, "God bless Momma, God bless Daddy, God bless Grandma and good-bye to Grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say goodby to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed to be the thing to do."
The next day the little girl's grandfather passed away. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his little girl to bed listening to her prayers which ended like this,"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good bye Grandma."
The next day the little girl's grandmother passed away. "Holy crap," thought the father, "This kid is in touch with the other side. She knows when family members are gonna die!"
A couple of months later when the little girl was going to bed, her dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee and staring at the clock and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, but I just spent one of the worst days of my life."
She said, "Well, you think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My boss died right in the middle of our morning sales meeting!"
The father asked, "Why did you say goodby to Grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed to be the thing to do."
The next day the little girl's grandfather passed away. The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put his little girl to bed listening to her prayers which ended like this,"God bless Mommy, God Bless Daddy and good bye Grandma."
The next day the little girl's grandmother passed away. "Holy crap," thought the father, "This kid is in touch with the other side. She knows when family members are gonna die!"
A couple of months later when the little girl was going to bed, her dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and good-bye Daddy."
He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day, he stayed there, drinking coffee and staring at the clock and jumping at every sound. Finally, midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late. What's the matter?"
He said, "I don't want to talk about it, but I just spent one of the worst days of my life."
She said, "Well, you think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My boss died right in the middle of our morning sales meeting!"
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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Our local gun shops are now open so I went to a local shop & bought 2 boxes of .45 ACP ammo. On the way home I stopped at the gas station to fill up my 4Runner.
At the gas station a hot blonde wearing a mini skirt was filing up at the next pump. I guess she saw the 2 boxes of ammo on the front seat of my car 'cause she approached me & said with a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
Well, I thought for a few seconds & asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
At the gas station a hot blonde wearing a mini skirt was filing up at the next pump. I guess she saw the 2 boxes of ammo on the front seat of my car 'cause she approached me & said with a sexy voice, "I'm a big believer in the barter system. Would you be interested in trading sex for ammo?"
Well, I thought for a few seconds & asked, "What kind of ammo 'ya got?"
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Prospector Bob
- 250 Posts!
- Posts: 855
- Joined: Mon Oct 02, 2017 8:04 pm
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands.
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
A waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the man slowly sliding down his chair and under the table, but the woman stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the man slid all the way down his chair and out of sight under the table. Still, the woman stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the woman, "Pardon me, ma'am, but I think your husband just slid under the table."
The woman calmly looked up at her and said, "No, he didn't. He just walked in the door."
I refuse to be victimized by notions of virtuous behavior.
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Lee
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Why do Doctors wear masks?
Because if they make a mistake, the person won't know who did it!
Doctor, Doctor! People keep disagreeing with me!
Doc: No they dont
Doctor, Doctor! Everyone hates me!
Doc: Don't be silly, not everyone has met you yet.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm suffering from hallucinations!
Doc: I'm sure you're only imagining it.
Doctor, Doctor! Will you treat me?
Doc: No, you'll have to pay like everybody else.
Doctor, Doctor! Nobody ever listens to me.
Doc: Next!
Because if they make a mistake, the person won't know who did it!
Doctor, Doctor! People keep disagreeing with me!
Doc: No they dont
Doctor, Doctor! Everyone hates me!
Doc: Don't be silly, not everyone has met you yet.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm suffering from hallucinations!
Doc: I'm sure you're only imagining it.
Doctor, Doctor! Will you treat me?
Doc: No, you'll have to pay like everybody else.
Doctor, Doctor! Nobody ever listens to me.
Doc: Next!
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Lee
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What do you give a sick car?
A fuel injection
Police officer: Did you know you were driving at 120 mph??
Driver: Oh thats impossible, I've only been driving for 5 minutes!
A fuel injection
Police officer: Did you know you were driving at 120 mph??
Driver: Oh thats impossible, I've only been driving for 5 minutes!
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Lee
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Knock-knock.
Who's there?
Vitamin.
Vitamin who?
Vitam in for a party!
Who's there?
Vitamin.
Vitamin who?
Vitam in for a party!