BrothelLife

A little girl and little boy are fighting about the differences between the sexes, and which one is better. Finally, the boy drops his pants and says, “Here’s something I have that you’ll never have!” The little girl is pretty upset by this, since it is clearly true and runs home crying. A while later she comes running back with a smile on her face. She drops her panties and says, “My mommy says that with one of these, I can have as many of those as I want!”

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.
"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?"

ChicagoBob

Chicagobob link wrote:

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A nun walks into the Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy of frustration.

"What troubles you Sister?" Asked the Mother Superior. "I thought this was the day you spent with your family."

"It was," sighed the Sister. "And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ."

"I seem to recall that," the Mother Superior agreed. "So, I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?"

"Far from it," snorted the Sister. "In fact, I took the Lord's name in vain today!"

"Goodness, Sister!" gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. "You must tell me about it!"

"Well, we were on the 5th tee and this hole is a monster Mother Superior! It's a 540 yard par 5 with a nasty dog-leg right and a hidden green. Off the tee I hit the drive of my life. It was the sweetest swing I've ever made. The ball was flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted when it hit a bird in mid-flight."

"Oh my!" Commiserated the Mother Superior. "How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!"

"No, that wasn't it," admitted the Sister. "While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!"

"Oh, that would make me blaspheme!" sympathized the Mother Superior.

"But I didn't, Mother!" sobbed the Sister. "And I was proud of myself! While I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!"

"So that's when you cursed?" Asked the Mother Superior with a knowing smile.

"Nope, that wasn't it either," cried the Sister in anguish. "As the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling and the hawk dropped him right there on the green and the ball rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!"

The Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, eyed the Sister sternly and said, "You missed the fuckin' putt, didn't you?"

From my daily log book...

"DAY 217 Corona Virus Quarantine: My recycling guy had the audacity to tape an Alcoholics Anonymous brochure to my glass bottle recycling container."  >

1.    Give a man a match, and he'll be warm for a few hours. Set a man on fire, and he’ll be warm for the rest of his life.

2.    What begins with ‘F’ and ends in ‘UCK’? Fire truck.

3.    The puzzled boss of a fire-hydrant factory asked the employees why they were always late for work. The frustrated workers yelled, “We get ticketed every time we park anywhere near this damn place, and there’s always a pack of dogs at every door and dog piss on every floor!”

4.    With her whole apartment building on fire, a frantic young mother refused to toss her baby from a 4th floor window down to the fire-safety net, held by firefighters on the ground below.

      Suddenly a professional football player ran to where the firefighters were and yelled to the woman, “Toss your baby to me. I’m a Hall-of-Fame receiver; you can count on me to catch her.”

      Without hesitation, the woman dropped her baby into the arms of the receiver, and the crowd broke into cheers and tears of joy. The uplifting occasion ended abruptly when the tight end suddenly spiked the baby on the ground and started his touchdown celebration. 

5.    If a house of worship burns, does it produce Holy Smoke! ?

6.    A fast moving fire in a field started to spread to the woods, so the alarm went out to other departments for urgently needed help. As each arrived, they set up their equipment on a perimeter to fight the fire, as per established safety rules and fire-fighting tactics.

      All that is, except for one department that came screaming up in a rickety old fire engine and drove straight into the middle of the blazing field. The tough, old country firefighters jumped off that aged engine and ferociously fought the flames all around their truck; until the blaze was broken into smaller fires which were then easy for the other departments to extinguish. Impressed with their courage, the property owner gave them a $1,000 reward. “Oh, thank God!” exclaimed the Chief. “Now we can get those damn breaks fixed!”

7.    Bob and Tom were sitting in a coffee shop, when suddenly the Town's Fire Alarm began blaring. Tom immediately jumped up and ran for the door.  Bob shouted, "Hey, Tom, I didn't know you were a fireman!" "I'm not,” Tom yelled back; “but my girlfriend's husband is!"

8.    As he ascended to Heaven, a State Governor told the Archangel at the Pearly Gates that he shouldn’t have to wait in line with the other people, because he was a Governor. The Angel reprimanded him and told him to wait like everyone else.

      Standing in line, the Governor was ticked off when he saw a sedan with lights flashing and siren blaring drive up to the gate; and a man wearing a cap with "Nevada Governor" emblazoned on it jumped out and was instantly ushered into Heaven, while the Angels stood at attention.

      The first Governor angrily asked the Angel why the Nevada Governor was allowed inside. “Oh, that wasn’t the Nevada Governor,” said the Angel. “That was God. He just thinks he’s the Governor!”

9.    A billionaire took his son to Disneyland, where the child asked his father for a Mickey Mouse outfit; so the rich man bought the Nevada Government for him. (Everything’s for sale for a price. The Political Prostitutes never close their own brothels.)

10.  A farmer with a great hunting dog named Rex often lent him to a local firefighter friend when he went hunting. The firefighter friend always had a successful hunt, due in large part to Rex. When he was unable to go hunting one year, his Fire Chief went hunting with Rex instead. The next season, the firefighter friend asked for Rex. The owner said, “Sorry, but Rex is worthless now. He went hunting with that Fire Chief, and now all he does is sit on his ass and bark!” 

11.  A fireman and a politician died and went to heaven, where they were issued probationary wings with the warning that if they had even one impure thought, their wings would immediately fall off. Their thoughts were perfectly pure for a while, until a very sexy lady walked by. As the fireman turned to watch her walk, his wings fell off. When he bent over to pick them up, the politician’s wings fell off. (The politician’s wings were bound to fall off, since they always find a way to fuck everyone over.)

12.  What do you call a rattler with a great bedside manner? A snake charmer (or a politician; same thing, really).

13.  Which direction do you choose to go, if you’re in the middle of an old wooden bridge swaying dangerously in the wind, with a Republican politician on one side and a Democrat politician on the other side? It doesn’t matter; you’re screwed either way.

14.  A little girl with a cute lisp asked the pet shop owner for a “ferwy wittle wodent.” The beguiled shop owner smiled, stooped over with his hands on his knees in front of the precious young child, and asked the little cutie if she wanted a “ferwy wittle white wabbit or a ferwy wittle bwown wabbit?” The little girl replied, “I don’t tink my big pet pyfon weely gives a fwuck.”

15.  Mom and Dad stood at the top of the skyscraper, looking out over the Big City horizon. Mom beamed at Dad with pride, and said, “I never thought our son would go so far!” “Neither did I,” said Dad. “Now, let’s drop our daughter and see how far she’ll go!”

BB

Once I successfully post this, it'll be my last post. That apparently necessary security bullshit takes all of the joy out of it for me. It replaces it with frustration and aggravation; and I have more of that and other negative emotions that I can handle right now. I often post, reread and edit this stuff 10 or 12 times; and that fucking 'letters' box can eat shit and die, as far as I'm concerned. Fuck it. It's just not worth it to me. Adios.